It’s been a while since I last wrote for myself, but hey, what’s new about that? With an ever-growing list of all the moments that inspire me to write, I am torn between living them fully or attempting to analyze and document them. Any guesses on which choice I’ve been making?
I’m here today because I find myself struggling to grasp how I fully feel, which is why I am absolutely compelled to pen my words down in the meek attempt of deciphering my emotions. You can imagine how immersive this feeling must feel to get me yearning to untangle it, bit by bit.
Recently, I have been living moments that flash by at the speed of light.
Blink and they have come.
Blink and they have been lived.
Blink and they have passed.
Blink and you could miss.
Blink and they are never coming back.
But that’s how it’s always been, hasn’t it?
Time has been a topic under constant scrutiny.
I wish I could go back in time…I wish I could relive those moments…those were the best days of our lives…time’s going by too quickly etc. on loop. Why does time play these games with us, again and again? Go by ever-so-slowly when it’s hard, and fleet away when it’s all good and merry?
About six months ago, Naren and I got married and started a whole new chapter together, except maybe not exactly on the same page. While it was a transitional time for the both of us, we seemed to be on very different stages. Of course, everyone has an individual journey before the couple one so let’s dive into my six-month journey so far, shall we?
Disclaimer: I had to stop writing for three days due to the life-changing not-so-menial episode. Naren and I have moved into to our own little home that we’ve built, little by little. We’ve finally done it and it’s now hit us that this is the start of our someday.
“When did we grow up?” is a question we’ve been asking each other since 2018, which was when we got pre-engaged and that very question is one that creeps up on us more now than before. I remember, not so long ago, we would talk about living together someday, having our own place someday, doing x and doing y together, someday.
Someday was always a time in the distant future.
Someday has finally arrived, and I feel like it’s showed up highly overdosed on Redbull. Everything in our fantastic someday is happening now at super-sonic speed.
From getting engaged, to wedding planning, to getting married to honeymooning to getting back to routine, to professional and personal wins, to our first ever apartment, to setting it up, to moving in and now building our own ecosystem.
In the last six months, we’ve seen, grown, experienced so much.
But this is just the start, isn’t it?
I’ve found myself being a more of a mixed bag of emotions than ever - moments of being ecstatically happy, weeping, angry, frustrated, delirious, sad, laughing uncontrollably, independent, blessed, grateful, invincible, defeated, sometimes losing, sometimes winning and so much more.
It’s been a whirlwind of emotions.
The first few months of being married to Naren meant welcoming a whole new way of life into my very comfortable norms. The norms were different, the dos and don’ts were different, everything was different. Familiar yet different. It was overwhelming because it equaled to me entering a whole new ecosystem.
I missed my parents and sister unbearably to a point where it ached me to not be able to see them as soon as I woke up or slept. I found myself with a void that I couldn’t seem to fill.
None of it made sense to me.
How was everything the same but still so different?
I was technically living my best life, with everything that I had wished for and yet, I found myself with an ever-growing void. Top that off with my work being volatile. The struggle of breaking into a whole new industry felt too itchy. I felt uncomfortable being out of my individualistic comfort zone.
Everything was different.
I wasn’t in my familiar place. I wasn’t a girl anymore. I wasn’t doing the same thing for a living. I had too much to figure out, I couldn’t make any sense of any of it, and I couldn’t help but feel like I was failing all the time. In every single way. Why? It made zero sense.
I found myself unhappier than I have ever been due to all the self-pressure that my mind had inflicted on me with how I should be, what I should do, the protocols and works. I found myself with flashes of my life before, all of those thirty something years. I desperately ached to be in my comfort zone.
What did I lack? Absolutely nothing.
I had my family at a stone’s throw away from me. I had endless love of a whole new family that spoilt me rotten. I am married to my bestfriend. I had begun being bombarded with endless professional opportunities, more than I could possibly have imagined.
Everything is perfect and more.
Not so long ago, I’d packed up and unpacked into a whole new ecosystem…and just about when I’d begun to settle into it, it was time for us to build our own.
With us moving to our own place a couple of days ago I am left with a terribly lingering bittersweet series of emotions. I now have new family that I’ll miss. The ones that I won’t be seeing at the start of every morning or at the end of the night. I find myself missing little moments of banter and cheek that I’d grown too quickly habituated to. I am left with a whole new void.
As I stared at our room empty, lacking all our things that we’d packed into our new place so swiftly, I am reminded of the laughter and love that surrounded us not so long ago as we built our room.
Today, as I look back at the last six months, I wish for having lived that time better.
I now wish I spoke and reached out to everyone that was trying to be there for me – my partner, family, friends.
I now wish I took out the time to see the love behind every advice.
I now wish I thanked everyone from my family, old and new for being patient with me, for understanding my difficult, stubborn nature and for letting me be.
I now wish I took the time out to enjoy the break without worrying as much as I did about the next piece of work coming my way.
I now wish I thanked the wonderful humans in my life for every thoughtful gesture and support that they showered on me.
Today, as I look back, I realize how blessed I have been and I currently am.
My life doesn’t look anything like it did six months ago. Everything from before ago feels like a whole different time. I look at the world a whole lot different than I did and I am sure the world looks at me differently too. But that’s the beauty of time…you’ve just got to roll with it.
You’ve just got to grow through what you go through.
For now, I’ll focus on the fantastic someday that has just arrived and turned my world upside down.
Life as I currently know has changed. It’s a lot more colorful, chaotic and charasmatic than it ever has been and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I am after all, living my best life.
It’s the time to make it count, isn’t it?
With love and zero advice (only this time),
Stories By Giggles